A hard day

Yesterday was a hard day.

Work has been stressful. I strive on success and I've somehow found myself in an industry where, "no one hates it," seems to be the highest possible praise. Even though I'm part of something meaningful, I know I'm as out of place as a bull in a china shop. If I ever hand in my resignation, my boss will probably celebrate for weeks. Mostly, though, I've had too much on my plate for a while and it doesn't seem like that will end any time soon.

My body has been stressful. My bad shoulder has been extra bad lately - probably because of my bad habit of laying in bed wasting time on my Kindle. What is rarely more than a general sense of pressure and tightness now includes a sharp pain in the joint. Add a little PMS and you have a good risk of general crabbiness.

The general state of the world has been stressful. Ebola and Enterovirus keep popping up on the morning, noon, evening and nighttime news. ISIS/ISIL keep beheading Your people. Political leaders keep doing stupid and immoral things and none of their would-be-replacements seems much better. Furthermore, plenty of otherwise sane seeming people keep rooting and voting for the status quo.

Still, yesterday could have been an easy day. I was very nearly caught up on my work, however unsatisfying it is, by noon and I took half the day off. The sun was shining and the trees were lovely. I decided to sign up for an hour at the 40 Days for Life vigil and then go home and enjoy a nap.

This isn't my first vigil, but because of my work schedule I'd never been there on abortion day before. Right now, I'd make almost any excuse to never be there on abortion day again. It may have been the most horrible hour of my life. I can never unsee the faces of women walking into that building, knowing that within 24 hours they would flush their sons and daughters down a toilet somewhere.

Abortion has never been faceless to me. I've known since my teens specific people who I know were, in one way or another, survivors of abortion. The girl with spina bifida. The girl whose mother was turned away from the clinic because she was too far along. The babies of my friends who had the courage to "ruin their lives" by giving birth in high school, despite pressure from boyfriends and relatives to just "get rid of the problem". When people talk about "the fetus" I know their really talking about Amy* and Leslie* and Brittany*.

Still, I've never been there in the moment it happened. Never had to watch women unload their toddler from the car so they could kill it's brother or sister. Never saw young women chatting on the phone as they walked into the abortuary as if it was the nail salon. I knew statistically, that the women who have abortions aren't all scared teens, but it still shocked me when a woman walked through those doors with two tweens in toe. She could have been my age.

I've never before felt like screaming, begging a stranger to change their mind. I felt almost complicit for not doing that very thing. I did all I was supposed to do. We walked up and down the sidewalk praying. I prayed for the place. I prayed for the employees. I prayed for the whole country. I prayed for each person who walked through those doors. I prayed for the souls that they were there to dispose of. And when I couldn't think of more words to send to God, I read scripture. And the words of Job condemned us. He curses, not just the day he was born, but the night he was conceived. Even all those thousands of years ago they knew that life doesn't begin at birth, but somehow we've forgotten. At the end of my hour, I left as quickly as I could.

When you stand out on a cold, wet windy day, you leave feeling cold to your bones. If you don't take a long hot shower, no amount of layers will warm you up for hours. Yesterday was sunny and warm, but I am still cold now. Not to the bones, but to the soul. It's like the first time watching The Silent Scream all over again. I have witnessed a tragedy and there is no judge on Earth to hear my testimony. I stood thirty feet away while lives were violated and I cannot wash away that knowledge. I am tainted by it.

Yesterday was a hard day.

Today, life is threatened. Today, you can make a difference.

Today a girl in our community woke up feeling nauseous and cried when she counted the days since her last period. Today a nurse placed an advanced care directive in front of a relatively healthy senior citizen and encouraged him to sign away his right to certain basic care. Today a couple who was happily pregnant was told that their baby has Down syndrome and that it would be irresponsible to let it be born. Today a woman is abusing drugs and alcohol because she can’t deal with the pain of knowing she had an abortion and hasn’t found God’s forgiveness.  Today a young man is telling his girlfriend that she’s ruining his life by having his baby and she’ll do anything not to lose him because she doesn’t feel like anyone else really loves her. Today a young man is in tears after finding out why he’s not going to be a father after all.

Today, God is giving you the chance to save a life. Maybe not single-handedly, but as part of a world-wide movement called 40 Days For Life. We are answering God’s call to be there for those in need through prayer, fasting and a seven-days-a-week physical presence outside the Planned Parenthood office in Cedar Falls. This isn’t an angry mob of protestors that you may envision. Groups of two or three, often families, commit to peaceful sidewalk prayer and only talk to the clinic’s clients if approached.

We don’t need people who know everything about abortion or other life issues. We don’t need people who are looking for confrontation. We don’t need people who are ‘without sin’ to cast stones. We just need people who care.

We’ve made a commitment to be there at least twelve hours each of the 40 days between September 24 and November 2. We’ve made a commitment to provide an experienced buddy for anyone who is new to sidewalk prayer. We’ve made a commitment to connect those in need to resources that will allow them to choose life.

Now it’s your turn to make a commitment. Could you be the one who tells that scared girl about Alternatives Crisis Pregnancy Center? Could you be the one who helps that girlfriend discover that she is loved today and always by our Savior? Could yours be the words that save a woman from a lifetime of regret and heartbreak and her child from an untimely death?  Can you spend just one hour a week for six weeks defending life in the Cedar Valley? Can you commend life issues to God in your daily prayers? It’s really not much, when you think about it, but to the tiny passengers those women carry into that clinic it could be, literally, everything. 

Please go to www.40DaysForLife.com to find your local 40 Days for Life group. If you're in the Cedar Valley, you can connect with our local group at 40-Days-For-Life-Cedar-Falls on Facebook.

I sent three boats

One of my favorite modern parables:

When word of a flood threatening her house reached Betty, she didn't worry. She knew God would keep her safe. When the waters had reached her doorstep, a neighbor came by in his canoe and said, "Betty, get in the canoe! I'll take you somewhere safe."

Betty said, "No thanks. God will save me." So her neighbor rowed away.

When the water was almost up to her second story, the local sheriff came by in his motor boat and saw her looking out a window. "Betty," he called, "I'm going to pull up to the house. Just climb out the window and we'll take you somewhere safe."

Betty called out, "No thanks. God will save me." So the sheriff motored away.

As the water rose even higher, Betty climbed out of her attic window and pulled herself onto the roof. A FEMA boat came along and said, "Ma'am, we're here to help. Just climb down to the edge and jump in our boat. We'll take you somewhere safe."

Again, Betty answered, "No thanks. God will save me." So the FEMA crew moved on to help other people who were stranded.

Within hours, the flood waters covered the house and Betty was washed away to her death. As she stood before God, she was shocked. "I trusted You," she said, "Why didn't You save me?"

"What are you talking about?" God responded, "I sent three boats."

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This parable has two very important lessons: Divine help doesn't always come with burning bushes or parted seas. Frequently the miracles He creates look rather mundane on the surface. Don't reject the help God sends because you were imagining something flashier. Personally, I think it's kind of miraculous that someone figured out that bread mold could cure disease, and I thank God every time I take antibiotics.

Secondly, you are called to be those miracles. God tells us, "If you love Me, feed My sheep." It's not flashy, but God's love shared through simple acts is powerful, probably more powerful than we'll ever know. 

Why does God let bad things happen to good people?

Tragedy tests the faith of many. On the surface, it seems that a benevolent God could not allow some things to happen, and therefore, when they happen His existence is questioned. "Why would God let such bad things happen to good people?" This is not an easy question, and the answer is better suited to a Master's thesis than a blog, but please take a moment to consider a few thoughts.

By definition, a tragedy requires that bad things happen to 'good' people. When bad things happen to 'bad' people it's called justice or even karma. So, where do 'good' people come from? Oddly enough, they come from bad events. Think of the best people in your life. You are probably picturing someone helpful, generous and compassionate, traits that are only apparent when need is present. 'Good' people are the ones who show up when things go wrong. The human potential for goodness cannot be developed without the presence of disaster - both natural and man-made. As the commercial states, "The worst brings out our best."

Not only are we improved by horrific events, but, as importantly, we are bonded by them. Shared difficulty is the line between true friends and acquaintances. We are connected when we donate to relief efforts for people half-way around the world in ways we never will be by buying things that are built in far-off factories. Again, think about the people you love. They are the ones who stood by you in your darkest hours. As the song says, "That's when you find out who your friends are."

From a more intellectual angle, human perception is a measure of contrast. We cannot, except perhaps in the most intensely academic ways, be aware of things that have no opposite. If there was neither night nor cloud nor shadow, but only sunshine, we would not notice sunshine. Without danger, safety has no meaning. Without death, we would not appreciate life.Without the random, the cruel and the ugly, we would be blind to order, virtue and beauty. 

In the end, I believe that God allows bad things to happen to good people for the same way any parent allows a child to stumble, because it is necessary part of reaching our potential. He does not want us to fall, but that is the only way we can learn to walk. He does not want us to hurt, but He does want us to grow. In order for us to help, someone must need. His does not ask His followers to just be harmless, He asks them to be helpful. As the book says, "feed my sheep." This is not much of a request unless some of us are hungry.

September 28, 2012

Dear God,

Feeling rather inadequate today. Lesser. I'm not quite sure what the word is. Disadvantaged? Like You screwed up a little bit when You made me. Which I don't think You do, but it's hard not to feel that way when I look at my inability to attract a mate. For decades I've told myself to trust You. To not rush into a relationship that didn't feel right just to silence my biological clock. The message from Your word is that You want the very best for us and if I only have patience You will bring me the person You mean for me to have. The message from life is that it will bring me people who want me for my body and a people who love me for myself, and NO ONE who is both. Even when I feel like I'm compromising, I get rejected. When the guy I think maybe I could put up with keeps hanging around telling me he couldn't possibly be in a relationship with me, it's hard to believe that I have any value. That I'm worthy of love. I know, none of us are worthy of Your love, but what it is that makes me so unworthy of the love of decent man? I suppose I should be grateful that I don't need it. That I'm almost complete by myself. But that's not what I'm feeling today. Please, Lord, just fix whatever's wrong with me that makes me keep going back to the dry well, that makes me keep coveting couplehood. Let me be accepting of the person I am and feel truly complete on my own.

Amen.

March 28, 2012

Dear Father,

I read recently that successful people focus on improving their strengths and the rest of us focus on changing our weaknesses.  I find myself increasingly envious of that ability to better their best instead of wallowing in their worst.  I do that, Lord.  I look at myself and I see so many things that should be different - I should eat better and exercise more, I should have better attention to detail, I should be on time, I should spend less, I should keep my apartment cleaner...

As You know, You who knows the number of hairs on my head, the list of my flaws is extensive and weighty.  Mistakes, public and private, stay with me for a long time.  I'm almost unable to forgive myself.  I still feel guilty for things I did wrong in elementary school.  I say I accept Your forgiveness, but do I really, if I don't let go of the feeling of failure?  And if the "should have"s are always on the top of my mind, how do I make room for the "could"s.  How do I step out of my errors? How do I become the person You want me to be?

Please, Lord, help me to see the potential of my life and not just the potential pit-falls.  Move my best to the front of my thoughts and help me clear out old mistakes.  Help me to truly accept Your grace and start each day with a fresh outlook.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.

March 7, 2012 11:13 am

Dear Father,

I know You see the cloud that I am under.  I have struggled with emotional illness for most of my life, and even though it's invisible to most people, I know You see it.  And I know You can punch a hole in it for me.

Focus so illusive today.  It is a multi-taskers world and I cannot seem to keep my brain on what I'm supposed to be doing.  I need a little tunnel vision, a little calm in the waves of thought that keep knocking me in different directions.  I need You to silence the time wasters that keep calling my name and slow the tide of interuptions.

In Jesus name I pray.  Amen.